Practice acceptance when change or adversity strikes

At any age — but especially later in life — adapting and seeking assistance when we need it can help through tough times

By Eric B. Larson, MD, MPH, senior investigator and former executive director of Kaiser Permanente Washington Health Research Institute (KPWHRI) and former vice president for research and health care innovation at Kaiser Permanente Washington

We’re probably all familiar with various quotes about acceptance. It’s a popular concept and subject of countless inspirational books, TED talks, and posters. Given the turmoil and uncertainty wrought by COVID-19, though, it is worthwhile to consider the notion of acceptance more fully and how we can integrate it into our daily experiences.

My friend Bob Zufall is a great candidate for the Acceptance Hall of Fame. Now 97, Bob retired as a private practice urologist in 1990. Though he considered spending his retirement doing international relief work, he saw a compelling need locally. With his wife Kay, he started a tiny one-room free clinic to care for underserved individuals in Dover, New Jersey, their own town. The Dover Free Clinic eventually became a thriving enterprise with 6 locations in all and was renamed Zufall Health Centers to honor its founders’ vision and commitment.

Eighteen years after starting the clinic, Bob stepped down from practicing medicine but remained on the center's board. Along the way, Kay developed Alzheimer’s disease. Bob provided steadfast care for her until her death at age 87. Soon, Bob experienced health problems of his own, including fall-related injuries, and concluded he could no longer live alone.

Losing his wife through debilitating illness and experiencing his own gradual decline, Bob came to accept this phenomenon expressed by psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, “You’ve got to learn to accept the law of life and face the fact that we disintegrate slowly.” Despairing? Possibly. But Erikson also observed that to avoid despair, we need to be able to look back on a life that feels complete.

Graciously accepting help

Bob derived tremendous satisfaction from his second career, affecting how he thinks of himself in his old, old age. He told me, “It does make me feel better about dying to know I’ve done something good with my life.” He accepts that his remaining time may be short. But another part of acceptance is graciously accepting help when you need it. Although Bob realized that decline would occur, even with all his medical experience he was reluctant to seek help. Virtually every person at age 97 will need help! Bob was able to acknowledge this after honest conversations with his family. He now uses a walker to avoid falls and accepts personal help from others.

If something calamitous happens — and it will — we can accept this as part of life, becoming more resilient and adaptable in the process. Just in the last 2 years, we’ve endured many ups and downs related to the pandemic, from illness and isolation to vaccines and long-awaited reunions with loved ones. Of the many maxims related to acceptance, one that I find well-suited to aging, adversity, and acceptance is attributed to none other than Eleanor Roosevelt. It speaks to perseverance, integrity, strength, and humility: “You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.”

This blog originally appeared in 3rd Act Magazine.